Rebalyn

You know when you procrastinate…and procrastinate…and procrastinate to the point where you think, “I should just not.” You already felt like you were on the failing path so you decided to be a self-fulfilling prophecy rather than truly try and truly fail. The self-fulfilling prophecy seemed less painful.

That’s how I felt about this blog at the end of summer. I started it, and a friend commented that I had seemed so much more enthusiastic about life with this new project on my mind. She was so right! I was thrilled to do what had been a quiet dream of mine for years. I wrote a few posts, gathered an email list. Made ideas for future blog posts and even dreamed up ways to expand past a simple blog.

And then….nothing.

Of course, if this was such a great thing for me, why fall off the wagon so quick? Did the dopamine hit wear off? Was it easier to just “dream” instead of “do?” Did I realize I didn’t want to write anymore?

No! None of those things. It was the most simple reason actually: I was busy. Life started lifin’. The question was, should I give up now or keep going? Writers took breaks all the time, right?

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This summer, I picked up a gig to be a carpenter for a local theatre company. Full time and decent pay. It was great! Then boom–I got an offer for a job that I had applied to right before I accepted the theatre job. Since I would need something at the end of the carpenter contract, I took that offer, too! Between working full time in an air conditioning-free shop and nights at the other job, I was swamped and very physically tired.

The blog ultimately took a backseat because I was pursuing what my first few posts talk about. I chased after more than what I’d allowed myself to have in recent years. I tiptoed out of survival mode, I opened boxes I hadn’t dealt with while navigating a new relationship, and I pushed myself to explore new friendships and experiences. Between work and play, I was non-stop.

As fall is quickly approaching and I pull out my pumpkin spice, I have reached a point of stability I did not fathom I would get to for another few years. I have been playing “Lucky” by Elle King on loop because that’s really the only way I can describe how it feels to be where I am now. I got lucky. This summer was a divine gift of opportunity to step up and choose paths that I hoped would lead to emotional stability and healing. And it paid off.

I’m not writing this to just boast about how great my life is at the moment, but to reflect and remind you that there will be moments of reprieve from the darkness. I do not know the future and what it holds, but I am embracing this season of true happiness that I never thought I’d feel again. And I’m taking a moment to recognize that, though it feels like luck, I made decisions that I knew were ultimately better for me:

Once the theatre gig ended and I started working full-time at my current job, I started to feel that writing itch. Not because I didn’t have enough, but because I realized the results of this summer were proof to myself that this blog is worth pursuing. I was accidently my own test subject for what I had already shared with you in previous posts and for what I plan to share with you in future ones.

In my previous post, I asked you, “if not now, when?”

This past summer was my “now.”

It’s time focus on yours.

Love and Light,

B